Question:
Dear Bridgett: Thank you for your site. I come here almost every day, and hope you will answer my letter.
I'm educated, live in a big city and work for a large corporation. My friends tell me I'm beautiful. My sense of humor is pretty good. My friends are friends for life. I pay my own way and have a beautiful apartment.
Why can't I keep a man? What is my problem? They never stay with me for more than two years, if that long. They always say the same thing when they leave: "It's not you; it's me. I need to work on myself." I feel like a tricycle - something people use until they can ride a real bike.
It's not my choice of man - each one of them has been different. Not one of them was married, addicted, secretly gay or emotionally distant. Every man I've been with has been smart, funny, warm - perfect marriage material. They've all had great jobs. A couple had been married and divorced with children. Each one had a lot more positive traits than negative. I trusted them. I loved them. Then without warning, I got dumped. I've never had an engagement ring. Marriage was never discussed, mostly because I was waiting for 'him' to bring it up.
When I was younger, I felt hurt and angry after a breakup, but now I feel hopeless and am ready to give up. I don't know what to do and I can't take another crushing blow. The last two years have been brutal. My most recent breakup was with a handsome, very romantic and successful Pisces. I still can't stop thinking about him. I'm so lonely. - Aquarius Girl
Answer:
Bridgett responds: I'm sorry that you've had such a rough time. The past couple years have been rough on a lot of Aquarians.
There are a few things I see in your chart that might be useful. First of all, I see that you have a lot of anger, sadness and fear (of being rejected or losing everything) that you keep under lock and key. These feelings need to be dealt with. You need to first admit that you have them and then figure out why you have them. It appears that people came and went a lot during your childhood. You learned to fend for yourself instead of counting on others. You learned the value of maintaining control, power, authority and ownership. You built a thick, tall wall around your vulnerability in an effort to defend against hurt and disappointment. And you stopped trusting people, especially men.
You've found out that your defense wall worked fairly well when you were a child, but has created a whole new set of problems when you attempt to share intimacy with a man. It's very difficult for you. It appears you do not trust men, despite your comment about trusting your former beaus. Are you absolutely sure you trusted them? Did each one of them earn your trust - or did you extend a limited amount of tentative trust to them? It appears that you're afraid to let others get emotionally close enough to earn your trust. It also appears that the 'two year' duration of your relationships is more about you than the men you've been involved with.
Being in a relationship means being present, honest, vulnerable, open and affectionate. Can you say that these words describe you when you're with a man? I think you're so conflicted about wrong things done to you as a child that you cannot let down your guard. You're parceling out little bits of yourself and withholding the best part of you. Your relationships die because they're starved of real love and intimacy.
Aquarius: You need therapy. You need to reveal your real self to a qualified therapist and work on old emotional and physical hurt that you suffered long ago. Those problems won't just get up and leave by themselves. They will continue to interfere with your happiness until you work through them. You have to help them out the door. Transplanting one 'ideal man' and then another won't fix your inner conflicts. Those conflicts are killing your relationships. And now, you're feeling lonely and depressed. You need to make an appointment now with a highly recommended therapist in your area. I suggest you go to a female therapist. I think you'll be able to trust a woman a little more than you do a man.
You won't get much out of your therapy unless you're willing to dig deep, and dredge up some stuff you've kept down for years. Pluto is urging you to get this going right away. You may need medication so that you can sleep better and manage your depression. Talk to your doctor about that.
The good news is that if you're willing to fight back and face those old memories and problems - and simply say what happened out loud to your therapist - you will begin to heal. You'll break that seal that has kept you stuck in the same pattern for years. You are capable of having a great love in your life - one that could last the rest of your days. But you need to dispose of the mental and spiritual debris first. Please stay in touch.
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Question:
Dear Bridgett - Please do not include names or birthdays if you publish this. My fiancé is married. We've been seeing each other almost daily for two years. I love this man. I know he loves me. It hurts so much that he isn't divorced. Every time the agreement is "close," something happens and it's back to square one. I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times this has happened. He is loving and sweet to me. I work for him and he pays most of my bills. I know his wife. She seems like a nice person. I am having so much trouble with my situation. I have to hide my feelings for him at work when other people walk into the office. We work closely together. I don't have any friends. Well, I do have friends, but can no longer hang out with them because I don't want to miss a moment with him. He calls and I make myself available. I don't have a life except for him. He always warns me that until the divorce is final, if I make a mistake and do something stupid, we're over.
Do you think his wife knows about us? She's not stupid. She's not ugly or mean, either. I don't know why he's chosen me over her, or maybe I'm just his convenient sex toy?
If I were his wife, I'd catch on quickly. I'd notice the numbers on checks, credit card receipts, and even the odometer. I'd follow him and figure the whole thing out. The house he got for me is in the same neighborhood that he and his wife live in. Do you think I'm being played? Is there a happy ending? I have so many doubts.
The worst thing is that I don't want to give him up. I really love him. Everything I have and do is because of him. Without him, I'd be nothing. - No Name, No Place.
Answer:
Bridgett responds - No Name, I respect your privacy and will not mention names or birthdays. Yes, you are being played. He might 'love' you in his sneaky, controlling fashion; but is this the kind of life you want to lead? He's got you totally under his thumb. You jump like a well-trained dog when he snaps his fingers. You're grateful for sneaky sex that only happens when it's convenient for him.
After looking at the charts for him, his wife (who isn't a dummy, btw) and of course, you, I believe that you and his wife are both being used by him. You, however, are being used more than she is. Deep inside, you know that she's not as thick as a brick. Of course she suspects. It appears that she doesn't much care. She has a lifestyle and doesn't want to lose it.
And speaking of lifestyle, he enjoys his alleged furtive fandangos with you. The spirit of excitement and sneakiness is a big turn-on. He's got you so convinced that if you breathe a word about your situation (and btw, plenty of people already know), you'll lose him and be a total nothing: no job, no house, no car, no 'big love.'
Do you ever talk with friends? There's not much you can say when they ask, "How are you doing? Are you seeing anyone?" So your social life is nonexistent except for him.
I think he and his wife have a marriage of convenience and you're caught up in their devious game. You're young and could do a lot better than spend another two years waiting for his phantom divorce. It won't happen, No Name. He's got a lifestyle to protect, too.
I realize that he doesn't want you to get therapy, but you really need it. Once you allow yourself to carefully examine the mess you're in, you'll want out - and he knows it. After thinking about the inconveniences you've suffered and sacrifices you've made, it'll become obvious that you're also drastically under-compensated. Please be brave and get help.
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